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"Christ
In The Home: God’s Plan For His Family” Series
#3 A
Family Checkup of Biblical Models
There is a rising chorus in the world telling us
that the American family is not beyond hope. Sociologist Theodore Caplow of the
University of Virginia observes that while many Americans think the family is
about to collapse, this whole idea is largely a myth fostered by the media.
(Ephesians 5:21-33) "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. {22} Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. {23} For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. {24} Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. {25} Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her {26} to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, {27} and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. {28} In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. {29} After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- {30} for we are members of his body. {31} "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." {32} This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. {33} However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
The organizing principle: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (vs. 21). Subjection is not a problem unless one of the partners is trying to control the other!
This verse is a transition to Paul’s extensive
discussion of relationships that continues through 6:9. The general principle
of mutual submission, be subject to one another, not only in the product
of the filling of the Spirit (as indicated in the previous chapter) but is also
the foundation of the more specific principles of
Among the worst tragedies of our day is the progressive death of the family as it has been traditionally known. Marital infidelity, exaltation of sexual sin, homosexuality, abortion, women’s liberation, delinquency, and the sexual revolution in general have all contributed to the family’s demise. Each one is a strand in the cord that is rapidly strangling marriage and the family.
Gays and lesbians are demanding the right to be
married to each other, and many states as well as a growing number of religious
groups are recognizing that as a right. Lesbian couples, and even some gay
couples, are bringing together the children they have had by various lovers of
the opposite sex and calling the
The new mentality about marriage is reflected in the belief of some sociologists and psychologists that marriage ought to radically change or be eliminated altogether—based on the argument that it is but a vestige of man’s primitive understanding of himself and of society. Man “come of age” is presumed not to need the restrictions and boundaries that once seemed essential for productive, satisfying life.
Without
a proper basis of authority for relationships, people grope for meaningful,
harmonious, fulfilling relationships by whatever means and arrangements they
can find or devise. Experimentation is their only resource, and disintegration
of the family—and ultimately of society in general—is being
It is time for Christians to declare and live what the Bible has always declared and what the church has always taught until recent years: “God’s standard for marriage and the family produces meaning, happiness, blessedness, reward, and fulfillment—and it is the only standard that can produce those results.”
Yet confusion about God’s standard for marriage
and the family has found its way even into the church. A generation ago only one
in every five hundred couples in the church got a divorce. Today the divorce
rate in the church is many times that figure and becoming worse, and the church
must deal with the problem
Partly because of the tragedies they have seen
in marriages, especially that of their own parents, many young adults opt for
simply living together. When one or the other becomes tired of the arrangement,
they break up and look for someone else. Whatever minimal commitment may be
involved is superficial and
Many marriages that manage to avoid divorce are nevertheless characterized by unfaithfulness, deceit, disrespect, distrust, self-centeredness, materialism, and a host of other sins that shatter harmony, prevent happiness, and devastate the children.
With increased divorce comes decreased interest
in having children. Some authorities estimate that in perhaps a third of the
couples of child-bearing age, one or both of the partners have been sterilized.
A growing percentage of babies conceived even within marriage are aborted
because they are unwanted. And
God will forgive, cleanse, and restore the repentant believer, but He does not change His standards of righteousness and purity and does not promise to remove the often tragic consequences of disobedience. If the church seeks to accommodate those divine standards to the foolishness and sinfulness of its own members, it not only offends and grieves God but undercuts its testimony to the world. If marriage cannot be right in the church it can hardly be right in the world, any more than it was in Paul’s day.
In New Testament times women were considered to be little more than servants. Many Jewish men prayed each morning: “God, I thank you that I am not a Gentile, a slave, or a woman.’ The provision related to divorce and remarriage in Deuteronomy 24 had been distorted to include virtually any offense or disfavor in the eyes of the husband. In Greek society the women’s situation was even worse. Because concubines were common and a wife’s role was simply to bear legitimate children and to keep house, Greek men had little reason to divorce their wives, and their wives had no recourse against them. Because divorce was so rare, there was not even a legal procedure for it. Demosthenes wrote, “We have courtesans for the sake of pleasure, we have concubines for the sake of daily cohabitation, and we have wives for the purpose of having children legitimately and being faithful guardians for our household affairs.” Both male and female prostitution were indescribably rampant, and it is from the Greek term for prostitution and general unchastity (porneia) that we get our word pornography. Husbands typically found their sexual gratification with concubines and prostitutes, whereas wives, often with the encouragement of their husbands, found sexual gratification with their slaves, both male and female. Prostitution, homosexuality, and the many other forms of sexual promiscuity and perversion inevitably resulted in widespread sexual abuse of children—just as we see in our own day.
In Roman society things were worse still. Marriage was little more than legalized prostitution, with divorce being an easy legal formality that could be taken advantage of as often as desired. Many women did not want to have children because it ruined the looks of their bodies, and feminism became common. Desiring to do everything men did, some women went into wrestling, sword fighting, and various other pursuits traditionally considered to be uniquely masculine. Some liked to run bare-breasted while hunting wild pigs. Women began to lord it over men and increasingly took the initiative in getting a divorce.
Paul admonished believers in Ephesus to live in
total contrast to the corrupt, vile, self-centered, and immoral standards of
those around them. The relationship between husband and wife was to be modeled
on that between Christ and His church. “For the husband is the head of the
wife, as Christ also is the head of the
The relationship between Christian husbands and wives is to be holy and indissoluble, just as that between Christ and His church is holy and indissoluble. Christian marriages and families are to be radically different from those of the world. The relationships between husbands and wives and parents and children is to be so bathed in humility, love, and mutual submission that the authority of husbands and parents, though exercised when necessary, becomes almost invisible and the submission of wives and children is no more than acting in the spirit of gracious love.
In the Song of Solomon we see a beautiful model
for marriage. Although the husband was a king, the dominate relationship with
his wife was that of love rather than authority. The wife clearly recognized her
husband’s headship, but it was a headship clothed in love and mutual respect.
“Like an apple tree among the
A banner was a public announcement, in this case an announcement of the king’s love for his wife which he wanted to proclaim to the world. She not only had the security of hearing him tell her of his love but of hearing him tell the world of that love. “Sustain me with raisin cakes, refresh me with apples, because I am lovesick,” she continued. “Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me” (vv. 5-6). Her husband was her willing and eager protector, provider, and lover.
Solomon responded by saying to her, “Arise, my
darling, my beautiful one, and come along. For behold, the winter is past, the
rain is over and gone” (vv. 10-11). Spring had come and his only thoughts were
of his beloved. There was no hint of authoritativeness or superiority, but only
love, respect, and concern for the
Families are the building blocks of human
society, and a society that does not protect the family undermines its very
existence. When the family goes, everything else of value soon goes with it.
When the cohesiveness,
The unredeemed can benefit greatly from
following God’s basic principles for the family, but the full power and
potential of those principles can. be understood and practiced by those who
belong to Him by faith in His Son. Paul speaks to the Ephesians as fellow
Christians, and apart from the divine life and resources that only Christians
possess, the principles for marriage and the family that he gives in this letter
are out of context and thus of limited benefit. The basic principle of being
subject to one another finds its power and effectiveness only in the fear
of Christ. The family can only be what God has designed it to be when the
members of the family are what God has designed them to be—“conformed to the
image of His Son” (Rom. 8:29). Just as an individual can find fulfillment only
in a right relationship with God, so the family can find
Persons who do not know or even recognize the existence and authority of God are not motivated to accept God’s standard for marriage and the family or for anything else. They do not have the new nature or inner resources to fully follow those standards even if they wanted to.
Only those who have died to sin and are alive to God (Rom. 6:4-6), those who are servants of righteousness (Rom. 6:16-22), those who are spiritually minded (Rom. 8:5-8), those who are empowered by the Spirit (Rom. 8:13) will rejoice for the privilege of living in the Lord’s standard. Reverencing and adoring Christ is the basis of such a spirit of submission.
Unfortunately, many persons who know Jesus
Christ as Savior and Lord do not maintain their living according to His moral,
marital, and family laws. Because they are not at all times filled with His
Spirit and fall to the level of the society around them, they are not
sufficiently motivated or empowered to be obedient to their Lord in all things.
They possess the Holy Spirit, but the Holy Spirit does not possess them.
Consequently, many Christian couples argue and fight worse than many
unbelievers. Many families in false religions, for example, and even some
unreligious families, are more disciplined and harmonious on the
We are drowning in a sea of marriage information
today. A book on sex and marriage, whether from a secular or Christian
viewpoint, is sure to sell. Many purportedly Christian books are as preoccupied
with and indelicate about sex as their secular counterparts. Marriage
conferences, seminars, and counselors
James said, “What is the source of quarrels and
conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your
members?” (James 4:1). Conflicts in the church, in the home, and in marriage
always result from hearts that are directed by the self rather than by the
Spirit of God. When self insists on
Be subject is from hupotassoô, originally a military term meaning to arrange or rank under. Spirit-filled Christians rank themselves under one another. The main idea is that of relinquishing one’s rights to another person. Paul counseled the Corinthian believers to be in subjection to their faithful ministers “and to everyone who helps in the work and labors” (1 Cor. 16:16). Peter commands us to “submit [ourselves] for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority, or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and the praise of those who do right. For such is the will of God” (1 Pet. 2:13-15; cf. Rom. 13:1-7). A nation cannot function without the authority of its rulers, soldiers, police, judges, and so on. Such people do not hold their authority because they are inherently better than everyone else but because without the appointment and exercise of orderly authority the nation would disintegrate in anarchy.
Likewise within the church we are to “obey [our]
leaders, and submit to them; for they keep watch over [our] souls, as those who
will give an account” (Heb. 13:17). God ordains that pastors and elders in the
church be men. “Let a woman quietly receive instruction with entire
submissiveness,” Paul said. “But I
The submissive role of the woman was designed by
God in creation and affirmed by His judicial act in response to the Fall. Yet
the balance of responsibility and blessing is found in the woman’s bearing of
children. She is saved from seeking the role of a man and from identification as
a second-class person by giving birth to children and being occupied with them,
as well as by having the major influence on their early training and
development. Women who have children and pursue a life of faith, love, holiness,
and self-control give their best to their family, and thus to society. God has
designed and called women to
As with leaders in government, it is not that church leaders are inherently superior to other Christians or that men are inherently superior to women, but that no institution—including the church—can function without a system of authority and submission.
In the home, the smallest unit of human society, the same principle applies. Even a small household cannot function if each member fully demands and expresses his own will and goes his own way. The system of authority God has ordained for the family is the headship of husbands over wives and of parents over children.
But in addition to those necessary social functional relationships of authority and submission, God commands all Christians—leaders as well as followers, husbands as well as wives, parents as well as children—to “have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and … humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Phil. 2:5-8).
As Paul went on to explain (Eph. 5:22-6:9), the structural function of the family, like that of the church and of government, requires both authority and submission. But in all interpersonal relationships there is only to be mutual submission. Submission is a general spiritual attitude that is to be true of every believer in all relationships.
Even the authority-subject relationships in the
church and home are to be controlled by love and modified by mutual submission.
Wives have traditionally received the brunt of Ephesians 5:22-33, although the
greater part of the passage deals with the husband’s attitude toward and
responsibilities for his wife. Paul
Likewise in the home, not only are children to
“obey [their] parents in the Lord,” but fathers are not to “provoke [their]
children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the
Lord” (6:1, 4). Even while exercising authority over their children, parents are
to submit to the children’s moral and
In New Testament times, slaves were often an
integral part of the household, and Paul’s admonition to masters and slaves
essentially dealt with family relationships. The husband and wife were masters
of the household, of which the slaves and hired servants were an integral part.
Here, too, Paul made clear not
Every
obedient, Spirit-filled Christian is a submitting Christian. The husband who
demands his wife’s submission to him but does not recognize his own obligation
to submit to her distorts God’s standard for the marriage relationship and
cannot rightly function as a godly husband. Parents who demand obedience
In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul made clear that the physical relationships and obligations of marriage are not one-sided. “Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife,” he says, “and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (vv. 3-4). Although God ordains husbands as heads over their wives, and parents as heads over their children, He also ordains a mutuality of submission and responsibility among all members of the family.
Although Christ was in the beginning with God
and was God (John 1:1), was one with the Father (10:30), and was in the Father
as the Father was in Him (14:11), He was nevertheless subject to the Father.
From childhood Jesus devoted Himself to His Father’s work (Luke 2:49), submitted
Himself to His Father’s will
All believers are spiritual equals in every sense. “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28). We submit to one another as the Holy Spirit influences us to do so.
For the wife: subjection:
(5:22-33) Introduction: when dealing with wives and husbands, we must always remember that God’s instructions are not grievous. In fact, they are easy and light. God instructs and guides us down the easiest and lightest path possible. As Christ said: If we walk down the path God has laid for us—if we do just what He says—we experience the most loving and peaceful, the richest and fullest life imaginable. This is doubly true for husband and wife, for they have the companionship of each other as well of the Lord. 1. The wife is to walk in a spirit of submission (v.22-24). 2. The husband is to love his wife (v.25-33).
(5:22-24) Wife—Family: the wife is to walk in a spirit of submission. There are three reasons why the wife is to be submissive to her husband. 1. To submit is God’s will. In fact, it is a commandment of God. There is to be no equivocation, no argument, not even a question about it: “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands.” God is God, and as God, He has the right to demand anything of us. But note the words “as to the Lord.” When we do anything, we are to do it as to the Lord. Why? Because we love Him. The Lord has loved and given Himself for us, given Himself that He might save us. He loved us; therefore, we love Him. This is always the first reason we obey Him. We love Him; therefore, when He says to do something, we do it as to Him—to please Him. The answer is obvious: she acts out of love. She loves the Lord; therefore, to please Him she submits herself to her husband. The point is this: God instructs wives to walk in a spirit of submission with their husbands. Therefore, Christian wives do not obey the Lord out of resentment and reaction because of the commandment. They obey the Lord out of love because they love both the Lord and their husbands. Therefore, they focus and set their lives upon pleasing the Lord and their husbands. If the Lord says do it, then they do it because they love the Lord and want to please Him above all else. 2. To submit is God’s order for the family (Ephes. 5:22). There is to be a partnership and order within the family. This is basic for the family and society to exist. In fact, no organization, no matter what it is, can survive and exist without a spirit of partnership and order. Note three important facts.
The husband is the head of the wife. The word “head” in Scripture refers to authority not being. Neither man nor woman is superior to the other in being. Men and women are equal in God’s eyes.
There is an essential partnership between men and women. Neither is independent of the other. Both are from the other, and the relationship that exists between them has come from God.
There is neither male nor female in God’s eyes. He sees both men and women as one, each as significant as the other.
a. When God talks about man being the head of the woman, He is not talking about ability or worth, competence or value, brilliance or advantage. God is talking about function and order within an organization. Every organization has to have a head for it to be operated in an efficient and orderly manner. There are no greater organizations than God’s universe, His church, and His Christian family. Within God’s order of things there is a partnership, but every partnership must have a head, and God has ordained that man is the head of the partnership.
b. The great pattern for the wife to follow is Christ and the church. Christ is the head of the church. This simply means that Christ has authority over the church. So long as the church lives by this rule, the church experiences love and joy and peace—orderliness—and it is able to carry out its function and mission on earth to the fullest. So it is with the husband; he is the head of the family, the ultimate authority in the family. The wife is to be submissive to that authority just as the church is to be submissive to Christ. So long as she and the rest of the family live by this rule, the family experiences love, joy, and peace—orderliness—and it fulfills its function and purpose on earth. This, of course, assumes that the husband is fulfilling his part in the family. As in any organization, each member must do his part for the organization to be orderly and accomplish its purpose.
c. The husband is the savior of the body just as Christ is the Savior of the church. Christ is the great Protector and Comforter of the church. So the husband is to be the protector and comforter of the wife. By nature, that is, by the constitution and build of the body, the husband is stronger than the wife. Therefore, in God’s order of things, he is to be the main protector and comforter of the wife. These two functions are two of the great benefits which the wife receives from a loving husband who is faithful to the Lord. 3. To submit is a spiritual mystery (Ephes. 5:23). The wife’s submission is comparable to Christ and the church. Again, Christ is the pattern for the wife: Þ as she submits to Christ, so she is to submit to her husband. Þ as she depends upon Christ for help and protection, so she is to depend upon her husband for help and protection. Þ as she depends upon Christ for companionship and comfort, so she is to depend upon her husband for companionship and comfort. In summary, the submission that wives are to show to their husbands is an example of the submission that all believers are to show to one another (Ephes. 5:21). It does not mean that women are inferior to men. It simply means that there is to be an arrangement, an order in the household. Every body must have such order, and every body must have a head. Two heads in any body or organization would be a monstrosity and make for disorder. Therefore, in God’s order of things for the family, the husband is the head over the family. He arranges things in a spirit of tenderness and love and the wife is to submit herself in a sweet spirit of understanding and reasonableness. (Cp. Proverbs 31:10-31.)
(5:25-33) Husband—Family: the husband is to love his wife. Note five significant points. 1. The love which the husband is to have for his wife is the very love of God Himself (agape love). Agape love is a selfless and unselfish love, a giving and sacrificial love. It is the love of the mind and will as well as of the heart. It is not only a love of affection and feelings; it is a love of the will and commitment. It is a love that wills and commits itself to love a person. It is the love that works for the highest good of the person loved... · that loves even if the person does not deserve to be loved. · that loves even if the person is utterly unworthy of being loved.
Thought 1. Just imagine! What would happen in most marriages if the husband so loved his wife, loved her... · with a selfless and unselfish love. · with a giving and sacrificial love. · with a love of the will as well as of the heart. · with a love of commitment as well as of affection.
One thing that would happen in most marriages would be this: the wife would melt in the husband’s arms and willingly accept his authority as the head of the family.
Note that the standard of the husband’s love is the love of Christ for the church. The love of Christ for the church can be described in one simple statement: Christ gave Himself for the church. Christ loved the church so much that He gave Himself—sacrificed Himself totally—gave all He was and had for it. This is the love the husband is to have for his wife. Chrysostom, a great minister in the early church, said:
“If it be needful that thou shouldst give thy life for her, or be cut to pieces a thousand times, or endure anything whatever, refuse it not....He brought the Church to His feet by His great care, not by threats nor fear nor any such thing; so do thou conduct thyself towards thy wife.” (Quoted by Barclay. The Letters to the Galatians and Ephesians, p.206.)
The sacrificial love of the husband involves three things. Note that the very things said about Christ and the church are to be true of the husband and wife.
a. The husband’s love involves being set apart and cleansed. The word sanctify means to be set apart. When a young man asks a young lady to be his wife, he sets himself apart for her and for her alone. His word, his act, his promise of marriage also causes her to set herself apart. When he speaks the word and makes the promise of marriage, he and she both are thereafter set apart and cleansed for each other.
A dirty bride or groom—a dirty, defiled marriage—is unthinkable. The one thing above all else that will keep the marriage sanctified and cleansed is the husband’s sacrificial love. If the husband will love his wife to the point that he gives himself sacrificially, his love will not only protect him, but it will go a long way in protecting the sanctity and purity of his wife.
b. The husband’s love involves having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing. Spots would mean the mistakes that tarnish one’s life and marriage, mistakes so serious that they are very difficult to wash off one’s body and out of one’s mind. They would include such things as... · mistreatment and abuse. · loose and immoral behavior. · withdrawal and avoidance.
Wrinkles would mean things that cause friction and rattle the nerves and that need ironed out. They would include such things as... · temper and reaction. · broken promises and serious neglect. · severe selfishness and rejection.
c. The husband’s love involves being holy and without blemish. The word “holy” (hagia) means to be separate and untouched by evil. The husband’s love—if it is a real love—will stir him to be holy and unblemished and go a long way in stirring his wife to be holy and without blemish.
This point is striking—a real eye-opener. It shows just how dependent the marriage is upon the love of the husband—how much effect the husband’s love has upon the marriage. Few wives could reject such love; few wives would refuse to walk hand in hand with their husbands if they truly loved them with the love that is unselfish and sacrificial. 2. The love which the husband is to have for his wife is the very same love he has for his own body. This is a startling statement. Note again what it says: the husband is to love his wife just as much as he loves his own body. a. This means that he is to nourish and cherish his wife as he does his own body. Þ The word “nourish” (ektrephei) means to feed, clothe, nurture, and look after until she is mature in the marriage and then to continue nourishing her as long as she lives. Þ The word “cherish” (thalpei) means to hold ever so dear within the heart; to treat with warmth, tenderness, care, affection, and appreciation.
What a difference would exist in marriage if the husband just nourished and cherished his wife as he does his own body. Think through the meaning of the two words for just a moment and imagine the difference that could exist.
b. This means that he is to become one body, one flesh and one set of bones with his wife. Two people could never become any closer. This is complete absorption and assimilation of each into the other—a complete union and oneness... · of body and spirit. · of mind and thoughts. · of objective and purpose. · of behavior and activity. The husband becomes one with his wife, and the wife becomes one with her husband. The two become one flesh. (This is dealt with more fully in the following point.) 3. The love which the husband is to have for his wife is to be the love that will stir him to leave his parents and be joined to his wife. 4. The love which the husband is to have for his wife is a spiritual mystery—a spiritual love—a love just like Christ’s love for the church. 5. The conclusion is simple and straightforward: the husband is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to reverence (respect and esteem) her husband (Ephes. 5:33).
Because so much of the church has long disregarded the full teaching of Scripture, many believers find some of its truths to be unfamiliar and even hard to accept. And because the church has been so engulfed in, identified with, and victimized by worldly standards, God’s standards seem out-of-date, irrelevant, and offensive to modern mentalities. His way is so high and so contrary to the way of the world that it is incomprehensible to many in and out of the church. Over and over the New Testament calls us to another dimension of existence, a new way of thinking, acting, and living. To “walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which [we] have been called … and [to] put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth” (Eph. 4:1, 24) is to fulfill the high calling to which we are called in a completely new life in a completely new, Spirit-filled way. As was mentioned in the previous chapter, few areas of modern living have been so distorted and corrupted by the devil and the world and caused the church so much confusion as those of marriage and the family. It is these issues that Paul confronts in Ephesians 5:22-6:9. He expands and clarifies the general principle of mutual submission (“be subject to one another in the fear of Christ,” v. 21) by giving several illustrations from the family, beginning with the relationship of husbands and wives. As pointed out at the end of our discussion of verse 21, Scripture makes clear that there are no spiritual or moral distinctions among Christians. “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28). There are no classifications of Christians. Every believer in Jesus Christ has exactly the same salvation, the same standing before God, the same divine nature and resources, and the same divine promises and inheritance (cf. Acts 10:34; Rom. 2:11; James 1:1-9). But in matters of role and function God has made distinctions. Although there are no differences in intrinsic worth or basic spiritual privilege and rights among His people, the Lord has given rulers in government certain authority over the people they rule, to church leaders He has delegated authority over their congregations, to husbands He has given authority over their wives, to parents He has given authority over their children, and to employers He has given authority over employees. In Ephesians 5:22-24 Paul begins this list by outlining the role, duties, and priorities of the wife in relation to her husband’s authority. First he deals with the basic matter of the submission, then with its manner, motive, and model.
The Matter of Submission Wives, be subject to your own husbands, (5:22a) Wives is not qualified, and therefore applies to every Christian wife, regardless of her social standing, education, intelligence, spiritual maturity or giftedness, age, experience, or any other consideration. Nor is it qualified by her husband’s intelligence, character, attitude, spiritual condition, or any other consideration. Paul says categorically to all believing wives: be subject to your own husbands.
As indicated by italics in most translations,
be subject is not in the original text, but the meaning is carried over from
verse 21. The idea is: “Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ [and, as
a first example,] wives,… to your own husbands.” As explained in the
previous chapter, hupotassoô means to relinquish one’s rights, and the
Greek middle voice (used in v. 21 and carried over by implication into v. 22)
emphasizes the willing submitting of oneself. God’s command is to those who are to submit. That is, the submission is to be a voluntary response to God’s will in giving up one’s independent rights to other believers in general and to ordained authority in particular—in this case the wife’s own husband.
The wife is not commanded to obey (hupakouoô)
her husband, as children are to obey their parents and slaves their masters
(6:1, 5). A husband is not to treat his wife as a servant or as a child, but as
an equal for whom God has given him care and responsibility for provision and
protection, to be exercised in love.
Your own husband
suggests the intimacy and mutuality of the wife’s submission. She willingly
makes herself subject to the one she possesses as her own husband
(cf. 1 Cor. 7:3-4). Husbands and wives are to have a mutual possessiveness as
well as a mutual submissiveness. They belong to each other in
As with spiritual gifts, the distinctions of
headship and submission are entirely functional and were ordained by God. As a
consequence of Eve’s disobedience of God’s command and her failure to consult
with Adam about the serpent’s temptation, God told her, “Your desire shall be
for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (Gen. 3:16). The desire spoken of
here is not sexual or psychological, both of which Eve had for Adam before the
Fall as his specially created helper. It is the same desire spoken of in the
next chapter, where the
With the Fall and its curse came the distortion
of woman’s proper submissiveness and of man’s proper authority. That is where
the battle of the sexes began, where women’s liberation and male chauvinism came
into existence. Women have a sinful inclination to usurp man’s authority and men
have a sinful inclination to put women under their feet. The divine decree that
man would rule over woman in this way was part of God’s curse on humanity, and
it takes a manifestation of grace in Christ by the filling of the Holy Spirit’
to
Eve was created from Adam’s rib and ordained to
be his companion, to be, as Adam himself beautifully testified, “bone of my
bones, and flesh of my flesh” (Gen. 2:22-23). God’s curse did not change His
basic plan for mutuality in the marriage relationship or for the functional
authority of the husband over the wife.
In a parallel passage to Ephesians 5:22, Paul said, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18). Aneôkoô (to be fitting) was sometimes used of that which was legally binding, as in Philemon 8, where Paul uses it in reference to legal propriety. The word refers to that which is the accepted standard of human society.
Any society that has taken either the obvious
nature of women or the Word of God into consideration has fashioned its best
laws in line with His. Laws against murder find their source in the Ten
Commandments—just as do laws against stealing, adultery, perjury, and so on. The
wife’s submission to her husband is a For the past several hundred years western society has been bombarded with the humanistic, egalitarian, sexless, classless philosophy that was the dominant force behind the French Revolution. The blurring and even total removal of all human distinctions continues to be masterminded by Satan so as to undermine legitimate, God-ordained authority in every realm of human activity—in government, the family, the school, and even in the church. We find ourselves victimized by the godless, atheistic concepts of man’s supreme independence from every external law and authority. The philosophy is self-destructive, because no group of people can live in orderliness and productivity if each person is bent on doing his own will.
Sadly, much of the church has fallen prey to
this humanistic philosophy and is now willing to recognize the ordination of
homosexuals, women, and others whose God Word specifically disqualifies from
church leadership. It is usually argued that biblical teaching contrary to
egalitarianism was inserted by biased
Peter taught exactly the same truth as Paul in
regard to the relationship of husbands and wives. “You wives, be submissive
[also from hupotassoô] to your own husbands” (1 Pet. 3:1a). The
idea is not that of subservience or servility, but of willingly functioning
under the husband’s leadership. Peter also
When the wife’s primary concern is for those
inward virtues, she will not be preoccupied with “adornment [that is] merely
external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses.”
Rather her concentration will be on “the hidden person of the heart, with the
imperishable quality of a gentle and
Modern society has elevated fashion almost to
the point of idolatry. Clothing stores, newspaper and magazine advertising, and
television commercials are like giant billboards that continually proclaim, “We
covet clothes.” Expensive, often ostentatious, jewelry for both men and women is
becoming more and more
Scripture does not forbid careful grooming and
attractive attire. Being sloppy and unkempt is not a virtue. Proverbs 31
commends the “excellent wife” who works diligently and whose “clothing is fine
linen and purple” (vv. 10, 22). But inordinate attire worn for the purpose of
flaunting wealth or attracting attention
The preoccupation of believers should’ be with the spiritual adornment of the inside, “the hidden person of the heart,” not the physical adornment of the outside. The wife’s “gentle and quiet spirit” that comes from obedience to the Spirit’s control is “imperishable” and is “precious in the sight of God” (1 Pet. 3:4). The Greek word for “precious” is poluteleôs and pertains to that which is of extraordinary value. It is the term used of “the alabaster vial of very costly perfume of pure nard” with which the woman at Bethany anointed Jesus’ feet (Mark 14:3). God is not impressed with gold, expensive gems, and fashionable clothing, but with the woman who is genuinely humble, submissive, gentle, and quiet.
In the feminist movement, as well as in less
extreme groups, we see women loudly and vociferously proclaiming their ideas,
opinions, and rights in regard to virtually every issue—many times in the name
of Christianity. Even when their basic position is biblical, their manner of
advocating it often is not. God
Holiness has always been the foremost concern of godly women. “For in this way in former times,” Peter goes on the explain, “the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear” (1 Pet. 3:5-6). Just as Abraham was the symbolic father of the faithful (Rom. 4:11, 16), his wife, Sarah, was the symbolic mother of the submissive. Because Sarah had no fear of obeying God, she had no fear of what her husband, or any other person or circumstance, might do to her. God will take care of the consequences when His children are obedient to Him.
The Mishnah, an ancient codification of Jewish law and tradition, reflects the prevailing Jewish beliefs and standards that were accepted in Jesus’ day. It describes the wife’s duties as those of grinding flour, baking, cooking, nursing her children, spinning wool, laundering, and other such typical household chores. The husband’s responsibility was to provide food, clothing, shoes, and such things. He often gave his wife a certain amount of money each week for her personal expenses.
Many women worked with their husbands in the fields or in a trade—as did Aquila and Priscilla (Acts 18:2-3). A wife was allowed to work at crafts or horticulture at home and to sell the fruits of her labor. Profits were used either to supplement family income or to provide her with her own spending money. But if she worked apart from her husband in the marketplace or at a trade she was considered a disgrace. Apart from her household chores and possible work with her husband, a wife was also responsible for getting her sons ready for school (often taking them personally to prevent truancy), caring for guests, and doing charitable work. At all times she was to adorn herself properly, for the sake of modesty as well as nice appearance. The wife who faithfully carried her responsibilities was held in high regard in her family, in the synagogue, and in the community.
We learn from Paul that some of the women in the Corinthian church probably had become misled by the vocal and influential feminists of the city and began going out in public without a veil. The New Testament does not prescribe the wearing of veils for all women. Though it appears to have been the norm in Corinth (cf. 1 Cor. 11:4-6), there is no reason to assume that Christian women in all the rest of the early churches wore veils. Apparently in Corinth the only women who traditionally did not wear veils were prostitutes or feminists, both of which groups had no regard for God or for the home. In that culture veils were a sign of moral propriety and submission, and failure to wear them a sign of immorality and rebelliousness.
In that cultural circumstance Paul advised women to cover their heads “while praying or prophesying” (1 Cor. 1:5), lest they be considered to be rebelling against God’s ordained principle of submissiveness. Paul did not here establish a permanent or universal mode of dress for Christian women, but reinforced the principle that they should never give to their society even the suggestion of rebelliousness or immorality.
In his letter to Titus, Paul teaches that “older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject [hupotassoô] to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored” (2:3-5). Not only are older Christian women to be reverent and to avoid gossiping and excessive drinking, but they are to be engaged in teaching younger women. Older women are to teach younger women the requirements and priorities of Christian womanhood—especially in regard to their husbands and children. Husbands and wives alike are commanded to love each other and to love their children. Not to obey those clear commands is to dishonor God’s Word.
For younger wives, to be “workers at home” is an especially great need in our day. One of the tragedies of the modern family is that often no one is home. There are in excess of fifty million working mothers (and the number constantly rises) in the United States, of whom at least two-thirds have school-age children.
The term “workers at home” in Titus 2:5 is from the compound Greek word oikourgos, which is derived from oikos (house) and a form of ergon (work). Ergon, however, does not simply refer to labor in general but often connotes the idea of a particular job or employment. It is the word Jesus used when He said, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me, and to accomplish His work” (John 4:34, emphasis added) and, on another occasion, “I glorified Thee on the earth, having accomplished the work which Thou hast given Me to do” (17:4, emphasis added). It is the word the Holy Spirit used in commanding the church at Antioch to “set apart for Me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them” (Acts 13:2, emphasis added). Paul used the word in relation to Epaphroditus, who “came close to death for the work of Christ” (Phil. 2:30, emphasis added) and in relation to the work of faithful Christian leaders in Thessalonica (1 Thess. 5:13). In other words, it is not that a woman is simply to keep busy in the home but that the home is the basic place of her employment, her divinely assigned job.
In his first letter to Timothy, Paul commands “younger widows to get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach” (5:14). A woman is to be the homekeeper, the one whose divinely assigned job is to take care of her husband and children. God’s standard is for the wife and mother to work inside, not outside, the home. For a mother to get a job outside the home in order to send the children to a Christian school is to misunderstand her husband’s role as provider as well as her own duty to the family. The good training her children receive in the Christian school may be counteracted by her lack of full commitment to the biblical standards for motherhood.
In addition to having less time to work at home and to teach and care for her children, a wife working outside the home often has a boss to whom she is responsible for pleasing in dress and other matters, complicating the headship of her husband. She is forced to submit to men other than her own husband and also is likely to become more independent in many ways, including financially, thereby fragmenting the unity of the family. She is also in danger of becoming enamored of the business world and of finding less and less satisfaction in her home responsibilities.
One of the great attractions of many cults for young people is the prospect of a family-like group in which they feel the acceptance and love they never received at home—frequently due to the mother’s absence. Many studies have shown that most children who grow up in homes where the mother works are less secure than those whose mothers are always home. Her presence there, even when the child is in school, is an emotional anchor. Working mothers contribute to delinquency and a host of other problems that lead to the decline of the family and of the next generation. It is not that mothers who stay at home are automatically or categorically more responsible or spiritual than those who work. Many mothers who have never worked outside the home have done little to strengthen or bless the home. Gossiping, watching ungodly and immoral soap operas, and a host of other things can be as destructive as working away from home. But a woman’s only opportunity to fulfill God’s plan for her role as wife and mother is in the home.
Even widows or women whose husbands have left them are not expected to leave their domain and children to work outside the home. Paul declared, “If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8). The reference is to the extended as well as the immediate family of a Christian man, and in the context pertains particularly to widows. If a woman has no husband and no financial resources of her own, her children or grandchildren are to take care of her (v. 4). If she has no children old enough to support her, the other men in her family have the obligation (v. 8). If she has no male relatives to support her, a female relative who has adequate resources is to care for her (v. 16a). If she has no such male or female relatives, or if they are unable or unwilling to support her, the church is obligated to care for her (v. 16b). The basic principle is that she should be cared for by other believers and not be forced to support herself by an outside work. As He was hanging on the cross, during the last moments of His life, Jesus took time in His agony to provide for His widowed mother by giving her into the care of John (John 19:26-27).
Widows who were over sixty years old, who had
proven their faithfulness as wives and mothers, and who were known for their
good works and their service to strangers and to fellow Christians, were put on
the official widows’ list (1 Tim. 5:9-10). We learn from extrabiblical sources
that the widows on this list were
From the time of its inception, the early church
recognized the high priority of its obligations to provide for widows. In order
for them to be more carefully and fairly cared for, the apostles appointed the
first deacons to be “in charge of this task” (Acts 6:3). Those chosen were among
the most godly and capable men
Some Christian women may have no choice but to work because they have no provider in their family and their church is unwilling to help them. But the great majority of women who work outside the home do so for the sake of some imagined need for personal fulfillment or extra income to increase their standard of living, rather than to provide for family necessities. Many young mothers leave their three- or four-month-old babies with baby-sitters in order to return to work so they can earn more money or sometimes just to get away from the responsibilities of the home. Some Christian churches, schools, and other institutions foster that practice by providing child care centers and nursery schools for mothers who work.
If the standard of living a family has cannot be maintained without the wife’s working outside the home, that family should consider carefully whether their standard is God’s will for them, and surely should not confuse the economic benefits of their presumption with blessing from God. Not only does the large number of working women damage the home but also the economy, by contributing to inflation and loss of jobs that men would otherwise fill. Just as with the drinking of alcoholic beverages, the Bible does not specifically forbid a wife to work outside the home. But the biblical priorities are so clear that they can only be obeyed or rejected openly, and each woman must choose how she will honor those priorities.
When Samuel was still an infant, his father, Elkanah, wanted his mother to take the child and go up with the rest of the household to sacrifice in Jerusalem. But his mother, Hannah, replied, “I will not go up until the child is weaned; then I will bring him” (1 Sam. 1:21-22). Despite the importance of the yearly sacrifice, she knew that her primary responsibility at that time was to care for her baby. Realizing her priorities were right, Elkanah responded, “Do what seems best to you. Remain until you have weaned him; only may the Lord confirm His word” (v. 23).
The industrious and gifted woman who has time
and energy remaining after taking care of her household responsibilities can
channel them into many areas of service that do not take her out of the home on
an all-day basis. The godly wife of Proverbs 31 took care of her husband and
children, shopped carefully,
The Manner of Submission -- as to the Lord. (5:22b) The manner or attitude of submission is to be as to the Lord. Everything we do in obedience to the Lord should also be done first of all for His glory and to please Him. Those to whom we submit, whether in mutual submission or in response to their functional authority, will often not inspire respect. Sometimes they will be thoughtless, inconsiderate, abusive, and ungrateful. But the Spirit-filled believer—in this instance, the wife—submits anyway, because that is the Lord’s will and her submission is to Him. A wife who properly submits to her husband also submits to the Lord. And a wife who does not submit to her husband also does not submit to the Lord.
The Motive of Submission For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, (5:23a)
The wife’s supreme motive for submitting to her husband is the fact that he is her functional head in the family, just as Christ also is the head of the church (cf. 1 Cor. 11:3; Col. 1:18; and see Eph. 1:22-23). The head gives direction and the body responds. A physical body that does not respond to the direction of the head is crippled, paralyzed, or spastic. Likewise, a wife who does not properly respond to the direction of her husband manifests a serious spiritual dysfunction. On the other hand, a wife who willingly and lovingly responds to her husband’s leadership as to the Lord is an honor to her Lord, her husband, her family, her church, and herself. She is also a beautiful testimony to the Lord before in view of the world around her.
The Model of Submission He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. (5:23b-24)
The supreme and ultimate model of submission is Jesus Christ Himself, who performed the supreme act of submission by giving His own sinless life to save a sinful world. Christ is the Savior of the body, His church, for whom He died on the cross. He is the perfect Provider, Protector, and Head of His church, which is His body.
Jesus Christ is the divine role model for husbands, who should provide for, protect, preserve, love, and lead their wives and families as Christ cares for His church. Wives are no more to be co-providers, co-protectors, or co-leaders with their husbands than the church is have such joint roles with Jesus Christ. Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. To follow God’s plan for the family not only is pleasing to Him but is the only way to godlier, happier, and more secure homes. His plan is neither for the exaltation of man and suppression of woman nor the exaltation of woman and suppression of man, but for the perfection and fulfillment of both man and woman as He has ordained them to be. Such perfection and fulfillment is made possible by the filling of the Holy Spirit.
For the husband, servant-leader:
- “as” Christ is head of the church (Savior-Sacrificer) (vs. 23).
- “as” Christ loved the church (“gave”) (vs. 25) - “as” our own bodies (vs. 28) - nourishes and cherishes “as” Christ does the church (vs. 29)
Notice the word “as” is used seven times! Each designates a model!
(5:22-33) Introduction: when dealing with wives and husbands, we must always remember that God’s instructions are not grievous. In fact, they are easy and light. God instructs and guides us down the easiest and lightest path possible. As Christ said: If we walk down the path God has laid for us—if we do just what He says—we experience the most loving and peaceful, the richest and fullest life imaginable. This is doubly true for husband and wife, for they have the companionship of each other as well of the Lord. 1. The wife is to walk in a spirit of submission (v.22-24). 2. The husband is to love his wife (v.25-33).
(5:22-24) Wife—Family: the wife is to walk in a spirit of submission. There are three reasons why the wife is to be submissive to her husband. 1. To submit is God’s will. In fact, it is a commandment of God. There is to be no equivocation, no argument, not even a question about it: “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands.” God is God, and as God, He has the right to demand anything of us. But note the words “as to the Lord.” When we do anything, we are to do it as to the Lord. Why? Because we love Him. The Lord has loved and given Himself for us, given Himself that He might save us. He loved us; therefore, we love Him. This is always the first reason we obey Him. We love Him; therefore, when He says to do something, we do it as to Him—to please Him. Now, let us ask ourselves: What kind of spirit is the Christian wife to have as she obeys God? Þ A spirit of slavery or love? Þ A spirit of grudgery or love? Þ A spirit of resentment or love? Þ A spirit of reaction or love?
The answer is obvious: she acts out of love. She loves the Lord; therefore, to please Him she submits herself to her husband. The point is this: God instructs wives to walk in a spirit of submission with their husbands. Therefore, Christian wives do not obey the Lord out of resentment and reaction because of the commandment. They obey the Lord out of love because they love both the Lord and their husbands. Therefore, they focus and set their lives upon pleasing the Lord and their husbands. If the Lord says do it, then they do it because they love the Lord and want to please Him above all else.
2. To submit is God’s order for the family (Ephes. 5:22). There is to be a partnership and order within the family. This is basic for the family and society to exist. In fact, no organization, no matter what it is, can survive and exist without a spirit of partnership and order. Note three important facts.
a. The husband is the head of the wife. The word “head” in Scripture refers to authority not being. Neither man nor woman is superior to the other in being. Men and women are equal in God’s eyes. Þ There is an essential partnership between men and women. Neither is independent of the other. Both are from the other, and the relationship that exists between them has come from God. Þ There is neither male nor female in God’s eyes. He sees both men and women as one, each as significant as the other.
When God talks about man being the head of the woman, He is not talking about ability or worth, competence or value, brilliance or advantage. God is talking about function and order within an organization. Every organization has to have a head for it to be operated in an efficient and orderly manner. There are no greater organizations than God’s universe, His church, and His Christian family. Within God’s order of things there is a partnership, but every partnership must have a head, and God has ordained that man is the head of the partnership.
b. great pattern for the wife to follow is Christ and the church. Christ is the head of the . church ply means that Christ has authority over the church. So long as the church lives by this rule, the church experiences love and joy and peace—orderliness—and it is able to carry out its function and mission on earth to the fullest. So it is with the husband; he is the head of the family, the ultimate authority in the family. The wife is to be submissive to that authority just as the church is to be submissive to Christ. So long as she and the rest of the family live by this rule, the family experiences love, joy, and peace—orderliness—and it fulfills its function and purpose on earth. This, of course, assumes that the husband is fulfilling his part in the family. As in any organization, each member must do his part for the organization to be orderly and accomplish its purpose.
c. A husband is the savior of the body just as Christ is the Savior of the church. Christ is the great Protector and Comforter of the church. So the husband is to be the protector and comforter of the wife. By nature, that is, by the constitution and build of the body, the husband is stronger than the wife. Therefore, in God’s order of things, he is to be the main protector and comforter of the wife. These two functions are two of the great benefits which the wife receives from a loving husband who is faithful to the Lord.
3. To submit is a spiritual mystery (Ephes. 5:23). The wife’s submission is comparable to Christ and the church. Again, Christ is the pattern for the wife: Þ as she submits to Christ, so she is to submit to her husband. Þ as she depends upon Christ for help and protection, so she is to depend upon her husband for help and protection. Þ as she depends upon Christ for companionship and comfort, so she is to depend upon her husband for companionship and comfort.
In summary, the submission that wives are to show to their husbands is an example of the submission that all believers are to show to one another (Ephes. 5:21). It does not mean that women are inferior to men. It simply means that there is to be an arrangement, an order in the household. Every body must have such order, and every body must have a head. Two heads in any body or organization would be a monstrosity and make for disorder. Therefore, in God’s order of things for the family, the husband is the head over the family. He arranges things in a spirit of tenderness and love and the wife is to submit herself in a sweet spirit of understanding and reasonableness. (Cp. Proverbs 31:10-31.)
(5:25-33) Husband—Family: the husband is to love his wife. Note five significant points. 1. The love which the husband is to have for his wife is the very love of God Himself (agape love). Agape love is a selfless and unselfish love, a giving and sacrificial love. It is the love of the mind and will as well as of the heart. It is not only a love of affection and feelings; it is a love of the will and commitment. It is a love that wills and commits itself to love a person. It is the love that works for the highest good of the person loved... · that loves even if the person does not deserve to be loved. · that loves even if the person is utterly unworthy of being loved.
Just imagine! What would happen in most marriages if the husband so loved his wife, loved her... · with a selfless and unselfish love. · with a giving and sacrificial love. · with a love of the will as well as of the heart. · with a love of commitment as well as of affection.
One thing that would happen in most marriages would be this: the wife would melt in the husband’s arms and willingly accept his authority as the head of the family.
Note that the standard of the husband’s love is the love of Christ for the church. The love of Christ for the church can be described in one simple statement: Christ gave Himself for the church. Christ loved the church so much that He gave Himself—sacrificed Himself totally—gave all He was and had for it. This is the love the husband is to have for his wife. Chrysostom, a great minister in the early church, said: “If it be needful that thou shouldst give thy life for her, or be cut to pieces a thousand times, or endure anything whatever, refuse it not....He brought the Church to His feet by His great care, not by threats nor fear nor any such thing; so do thou conduct thyself towards thy wife.” (Quoted by Barclay. The Letters to the Galatians and Ephesians, p.206.)
The sacrificial love of the husband involves three things. Note that the very things said about Christ and the church are to be true of the husband and wife. a. The husband’s love involves being set apart and cleansed. The word sanctify means to be set apart. When a young man asks a young lady to be his wife, he sets himself apart for her and for her alone. His word, his act, his promise of marriage also causes her to set herself apart. When he speaks the word and makes the promise of marriage, he and she both are thereafter set apart and cleansed for each other.
A dirty bride or groom—a dirty, defiled marriage—is unthinkable. The one thing above all else that will keep the marriage sanctified and cleansed is the husband’s sacrificial love. If the husband will love his wife to the point that he gives himself sacrificially, his love will not only protect him, but it will go a long way in protecting the sanctity and purity of his wife. b. The husband’s love involves having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing. Spots would mean the mistakes that tarnish one’s life and marriage, mistakes so serious that they are very difficult to wash off one’s body and out of one’s mind.
They would include such things as... · mistreatment and abuse. · loose and immoral behavior. · withdrawal and avoidance.
Wrinkles would mean things that cause friction and rattle the nerves and that need ironed out. They would include such things as... · temper and reaction. · broken promises and serious neglect. · severe selfishness and rejection.
c. The husband’s love involves being holy and without blemish. The word “holy” (hagia) means to be separate and untouched by evil. The husband’s love—if it is a real love—will stir him to be holy and unblemished and go a long way in stirring his wife to be holy and without blemish.
This point is striking—a real eye-opener. It shows just how dependent the marriage is upon the love of the husband—how much effect the husband’s love has upon the marriage. Few wives could reject such love; few wives would refuse to walk hand in hand with their husbands if they truly loved them with the love that is unselfish and sacrificial. 2. The love which the husband is to have for his wife is the very same love he has for his own body. This is a startling statement. Note again what it says: the husband is to love his wife just as much as he loves his own body. a. This means that he is to nourish and cherish his wife as he does his own body. Þ The word “nourish” (ektrephei) means to feed, clothe, nurture, and look after until she is mature in the marriage and then to continue nourishing her as long as she lives. Þ The word “cherish” (thalpei) means to hold ever so dear within the heart; to treat with warmth, tenderness, care, affection, and appreciation.
What a difference would exist in marriage if the husband just nourished and cherished his wife as he does his own body. Think through the meaning of the two words for just a moment and imagine the difference that could exist.
b. This means that he is to become one body, one flesh and one set of bones with his wife. Two people could never become any closer. This is complete absorption and assimilation of each into the other—a complete union and oneness... · of body and spirit. · of mind and thoughts. · of objective and purpose. · of behavior and activity.
The husband becomes one with his wife, and the wife becomes one with her husband. The two become one flesh. (This is dealt with more fully in the following point.)
3. The love which the husband is to have for his wife is to be the love that will stir him to leave his parents and be joined to his wife. 4. The love which the husband is to have for his wife is a spiritual mystery—a spiritual love—a love just like Christ’s love for the church. 5. The conclusion is simple and straightforward: the husband is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to reverence (respect and esteem) her husband (Ephes. 5:33).
Life is made meaningful by relationships, the most meaningful of which is that between a man and woman in marriage. Peter called it “the grace of life” (1 Pet. 3:7). Yet the fulfillment of that relationship is elusive.
A marriage that continually gets better, richer,
and more satisfying is rare today. From many voices today comes the claim that
the very institution of marriage has failed to meet people’s needs. But the fact
is that it is not a matter of marriage having failed, since marriage has been
increasingly avoided. Today, in place of
In his book Becoming Partners: Marriage and Its Alternatives, Dr. Carl Rogers writes from the view of a humanistic unbeliever, To me it seems that we are living in an important and uncertain age, and the institution of marriage is most assuredly in an uncertain state. If 50-75 percent of Ford or General Motors cars completely fell apart within the early part of their lifetimes as automobiles, drastic steps would be taken. We have no such well organized way of dealing with our social institutions, so people are groping, more or less blindly, to find alternatives to marriage (which is certainly less than 50 percent successful). Living together without marriage, living in communes, extensive childcare centers, serial monogamy (with one divorce after another), the women’s liberation movement to establish the woman as person in her own right, new divorce laws which do away with the concept of guilt—these are all gropings toward some new form of man-woman relationship for the future. It would take a bolder man than I to predict what will emerge. (New York: Dell, 1973, p. 11)
It does not take boldness to predict what will
happen, but only a look at God’s Word. “Realize this,” Paul tells us; “in the
last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of
money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,
unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal,
haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than
lovers of God; holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its
power.… Evil men and
In that awesome list of sins there are
several—such as disobedience to parents, lack of love (the Greek term,
astorgos,
refers to lack of natural affection for one’s family), and brutality—that are
directly undermining the home today. But every sin that weakens the
individual also weakens the home to
Because of the curse on marriage at the Fall and
the inclinations of man’s fallen nature and of the world to oppose God’s way,
the family has always had difficulty. In the western culture of our day,
however, it is under an onslaught seemingly unlike any other in this society’s
history. There is less chance than
Before the Fall, Adam and Eve lived in the beautiful harmony and satisfaction of a perfect marriage. When Adam first saw Eve, he immediately recognized her as his perfect companion. “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh,” he said (Gen. 2:23). He saw no blemishes or shortcomings in her, because both her character and his attitude were pure. There was nothing to criticize in Eve and there was no critical spirit in Adam. Though they were both naked, they were not ashamed (v. 25), because there was no such thing as an evil, impure, or perverse thought.
Man was created first and was given headship over the woman and over creation. But their original relationship was so pure and perfect that his headship over her was a manifestation of his consuming love for her, and her submission to him was a manifestation of her consuming love for him. No selfishness or self--will marred their relationship. Each lived for the other in perfect fulfillment of their created purpose and under God’s perfect provision and care.
The man and woman were so closely identified
with each other that God’s command was for “them [to] rule over the fish
of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the
earth.… God blessed them; and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and
multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over
In the last chapter we discussed why the perfect
marriage relationship of Adam and Eve was interrupted. The Fall itself involved
a perversion of marital roles, and God’s curse because of the Fall also affected
marriage. Eve sinned not only in disobeying God’s specific command but in acting
independently of her
Marriage was corrupted because both the man and
the woman twisted God’s plan for their relationship. They reversed their roles,
and marriage has been a struggle ever since. Women’s liberation reflects the
woman’s distorted desires, and male chauvinism the man’s. The unredeemed nature
of both men and women
Throughout history the most dominant distortion
of relationships has been on man’s side. In most cultures of the ancient world,
women were treated as little more than servants, and the practice is reflected
in many parts of the world today. Marcius Cato, the famous Roman statesman of
the second century B.C.,
wrote, “If
Even in supposedly liberated societies, women are frequently looked on primarily as sex objects who exist for the sensual pleasures of men. Because modern man is inclined to view himself as merely a higher form of animal—with no divine origin, purpose, or accountability—he is even more disposed to see other people simply as things, to be used for his own pleasure and advantage. As already pointed out, Satan’s initial attack on God’s supreme creation involved corruption of the family. Sin brought an alien, divisive influence into marriage and the family. The first murder was brother slaying brother (Gen. 4:8).
A few generations later we see Lamech as a
polygamist (Gen. 4:23), departing from God’s design for one-man, one-woman
marriage (2:24). We are not told exactly what happened when Ham saw his father,
Noah, drunk and naked in his tent, but it apparently involved perverted sexual
suggestions or attempts on
Because of their unbridled wickedness,
especially in sexual perversions, God destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah
(19:24-25). Since that day, Sodom has had the distinction of giving its name to
a common term for homosexuality (sodomy). In Genesis 34 we read of Shechem’s
fornication with Dinah, one of Jacob’s daughters (v. 3); and because the act was
forceful, it was also rape. A few chapters later we read of another double
sexual sin involving Judah and his daughter-in-law, Tamar, after she was
widowed. Because she had no sons, she dressed up as a temple prostitute (which
included wearing a veil) and enticed
In this first book of the Bible we see the
reversal of roles of husband and wife, fratricide, polygamy, perverted sexual
suggestions, adultery, homosexuality, fornication, rape, prostitution, incest,
and seduction—each of which directly attacks the sanctity and harmony of
marriage and the family. Yet in much of modern society those very sins are
lauded. Young women who are virgins and husbands who are faithful to their wives
are looked at askance and laughed at. Sexual purity and marital fidelity are
standard fare for
It is difficult enough to make marriage work under the curse when most people recognize and seek to follow God’s standards for morality and marriage. It is immeasurably more difficult when most people mock those standards. The only ones who can survive such a wicked and perverse generation are Christians who are filled with the Holy Spirit. Apart from His divine resources, a couple has no more chance of making their marriage what God intends it to be than Ponce de Leon did of finding the fountain of youth.
Satan knows by experience that when the home is
weakened, all of society is weakened, because the heart of all human
relationships is the family. The curse hits mankind at the base of its most
needed human relationship, the need for men and women to have each other as
helpers suitable for living productive,
Popular entertainment goes beyond reflecting the
normal, realistic inner longings that every person has for relationships that
are genuine and permanent. The fantasy of the perfect woman, the perfect man,
the perfect romantic relationship become more and more elusive as the fantasy
satisfactions of immorality are chosen over the real satisfactions that come
only from God’s standards of purity and unselfishness. The beautiful face, the
athletic body, the winsome personality, and other such superficial attractions
cannot hold two
In Ephesians 5:25-33 Paul continues to describe
the godly and moral life of the believer who is filled with the Holy Spirit and
who is mutually submissive “in the fear of Christ” (v. 21). As he has already
made clear (vv. 22-24), God has ordained the husband to be head over the wife.
But the emphasis of the rest of the
The Manner of Love As just noted, the command, husbands, love your wives, continues Paul’s explanation of the mutual submission mentioned in verse 21. The husband’s primary submission to his wife is through his love for her, and the apostle makes clear that this is a boundless kind of love. Husbands are to love their wives just as Christ also loved the church. Jesus Christ loved the church before He brought the church into existence. He chose and loved His own even “before the foundation of the world” (1:4), because God’s love is eternally present, having no past and no future.
Obviously no sinful human being has the capacity to love with the divine fullness and perfection with which Christ … loved, and will forever love, the church. However, because a Christian has Christ’s own nature and Holy Spirit within him, God thereby provides for husbands to love their wives with a measure of Christ’s own kind of love. The husband who submits to the Lord by being filled with His Spirit (v. 18) is able to love his wife with the same kind of love Jesus has for His own bride, the church. The Lord’s pattern of love for His church is the husband’s pattern of love for his wife.
In this passage Paul mentions four qualities of that divine love that husbands are to exemplify toward their wives. Like the Lord’s, the husband’s love is to be sacrificial, purifying, caring, and unbreakable.
The Motive for Loving Your Wife
As Paul has pointed out in vv. 23-29, marriage
is a picture of the church and its relationship to Christ. This mystery—this
magnificent picture that men could never discover and that was unknown to the
saints of the Old Covenant but is now revealed—is great. God’s new
people, the church, are brought into His kingdom and His family through
faith in Christ. He is the Bridegroom and they are His bride (Rev. 21:9).
A husband’s greatest motive for loving, purifying, protecting, and caring for
his wife is Christ’s love, purifying, protecting, and caring for His own bride,
the church. Christian marriage is to be loving, holy,
The sacred relationship between Christian husbands and wives is inextricably related to the sacred relationship between Christ and His church. Because of this great sacredness, Paul said, Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband. The use of nevertheless (pleôn) is intended to end the discussion and emphasize what in it is most essential to remember.
When Christian husbands and wives walk in the power of the Spirit, yield to His Word and His control, and are mutually submissive, they are brought much happiness, their children are brought much blessing, and God is brought much honor.
PROBLEM CHECK LIST FOR HUSBANDS Husbands should fill in the answers first, then fold the answers under while the wife answers. The wife's answers apply to the husband's behavior, not hers. The two should then dialogue on their responses, each one from the "feeling" point of view (non-judgmental).
Husband Yes No
Children
Housework
Money
Social 15. Do you find yourself spending most of your spare time with your family and friends and very little with your wife's?
Leisure
Auto 18. How do you handle the car when you are in a bad mood? Do you drive like crazy when you are "ticked off" (a real symptom of immaturity)?
Relatives 19. Do you treat her mother (or yours) with disrespect? 20. Are in-laws allowed to interfere or set policies for your family?
Humor 21. How is your sense of humor? Do you see something funny only at the expense of others?
Character 22. Has your wife caught you in little lies which you have tried to wriggle out of? 23. If you are wrong, do you find it hard to admit? Purpose 24. Do your prime interests in life center around things more than people? 25. Do you make it a point to spend some time introspectively concerning your purpose in life: Who am I? Why am I here? Where will I be in 20 years?
Sex26. Do you often kiss your wife on the lips and mean it without it leading to the bedroom?
CHECK LIST FOR HUSBANDS/WIVESAllow at least 30 minutes for this exercise. Make sure you are alone and undisturbed. Husbands should fill in the answers first, then fold, the answers under while the wife answers. The wife's answers apply to the husband's behavior, not hers. The two should then dialogue on their responses, each one from the "feeling" point of view (non-judgmental). Yes No 1. I write a personal, affectionate note or letter to my wife regularly (weekly?). 2. I never have to be reminded of her birthday or our anniversary. 3. I plan an honest evaluation of our marriage regularly (perhaps with testing).On your anniversary do you recommit? Perhaps listen to the tape of your marriage ceremony. 4. We have developed specific goals for n our family spiritually, emotionally and economically. 5. We have at least one meal daily with all the family members together. H 6. My wife has confirmed to me that the money she receives is reasonable and adequate under our financial circumstances. 7. I encourage my wife to develop her own potentialities (by taking courses, etc.) 8. I am aware of what is going on in my house between my wife and our children. 9. In dealing with all family members, I am more positive than negative. 10. I regularly help my wife with the children and the "necessary drudgery." 11.I never ask others to our house without my wife knowing in advance and with assurance of my help. 12. I respond to her preferences in buying a new house or automobile. 13. I seldom tire of talking with my wife. 14. I still court my wife. 15. I spend at least one hour each week, alone with my wife, talking about our mutual interests. 16. I am closer to my wife now than I was one year ago. 17. I make most decisions of my family's welfare rather than my own (Phil. 2:3,4). 18. I allow my wife to use her abilities and talents to their fullest. 19. I show patience in most situations. 20. I allow her to make many decisions. 21. I treat her as a partner, not as a servant. 22. I forgive her when she makes bad decisions. 23. I try to guide (vs. boss) when she needs 24. She can talk with me about anything without my getting angry. 25. There is nothing about which she is afraid to talk with me. 26. I try basically to be an unselfish person. 27. I am primarily a Christian who loves the Lordship of Jesus.
SELF-EVALUATON SHEET FOR WIVES Yes? No?
PROBLEM CHECKLIST FOR WIVES (Check the answers that apply to your marriage) Yes? No?
27. Do your prime interests in life center around things more than people?
28. Have you thought about who you are and what you will be like in 25 years? |
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