Living in Love Series

Introduction: Making Our Marriages Great!

Spend first few minutes repeating words that are commonly used in wedding ceremonies

Dearly beloved, we’re gathered together in the presence of God and the presence of this company to bring our support and be witnesses as this man and this woman are joined together in holy matrimony.

Do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

Marriage is the oldest institution in the world, ordained by God in the Garden of Eden.

And throughout the ministry of Christ, when marriage-related issues were brought to Him, He always went back to the ideal from Genesis 2:23-24.

This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man. For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

______and ________, I want you to know that you are standing in the very presence of God today. I want you to remember that loyal love for each other will make for a happy home.

If you always remain faithful to the vows you will make today, your lives will experience the fullness of joy that God wants. No human ties are more tender, no other vows are more sacred than those you will now make
to each other.

By the authority vested in me as a minister of the gospel and in accordance with the laws of the state of Florida, I now pronounce you husband and wife. What God has joined together—let not man put asunder.

You may now kiss your bride.

Doctor to patient’s wife:

“Maam, I don’t like the way your husband looks’.

Woman:

“Neither do I, but he is really good to the kids”.

A woman came to the minister and said, “Preacher, you keep talking about God’s plan for one man and one woman to be married.”  “Yes,” the preacher said impatiently, “That is God’s plan and there is no need to try to change it.”  “I’m not trying to change it,” she replied, “--I’m trying to get in on it!”

Making Your Marriage Great  Marriage Report Card

Today, I am intimidated by this title, Making marriage great.  I wanted to say that I don’t really claim to have a great marriage, but it is “pretty good”.  To claim greatness seems to bet the issue that I am not perfect and neither is my marriage.  I am also concerned not to set the standard so high that I frustrate you.  No marriage is perfect.  If we expect our spouse to be perfect, we are setting ourselves up for difficulty.

I would prefer to ask today, “What kind of grade would you give your marriage?”  You may want to assign a grade to the marriage as a whole.  It may also be helpful to ask, what kind of grade would you give your spouse?  What kind of grade would you give yourself?  What kind of grade would your spouse give you? 

Even more helpful, we should probably break the marriage down into components:

Fiscal responsibility, parenting, physical attractiveness, spiritual leadership, neatness, helpfulness, romance, etc.  I can guarantee you (from personal experience) that when you start to rate the areas, discussion will ensue.  The goal is to make this discussion profitable so that you can each improve.

Over all                        A+      Husband    Wife

Alternate Titles:

I considered some alternatives to the title, “Making Marriage Great.”  Many people in the audience might be willing to consider, How I can get my marriage to work.  It would be insensitive of me to ignore the fact that many people have struggled and failed in marriage.  This lesson will probably induce some guilt, but it is not intended to do so.  There is always a dilemma for the preacher.  When we hold up high standards, it is frustrating but necessary.  When we preach that we should be like Jesus, we are aware that we can never fully achieve that result.  But we are aware that God provides grace to forgive us of our short comings.  Christianity is about grace and it applies to marriage as well.  Divorce is not the unpardonable sin.  We need grace to face our mistakes both inside and outside of marriage.

I would like to be able to speak on six easy steps to a great marriage.  This would be wonderful.  I could tour the country speaking and helping people.  But marriage is often complex.  To some extend, my lesson today does hit the high spots about things that will improve your marriage, but it is more complex than that.

This is a hard topic because it is impossible to say all that God says about marriage in 30 minutes.  This lesson cannot address all the Biblical background to marriage.  I have recently been teaching a series about family life in Genesis.  The Bible writer reported that Rebecca was lovely in form and features--the stuff of romance novels.  In other words, he stopped to mention that she was good looking.  But also in these family interactions we see deceit, family favoritism, and some really ugly parts of family interaction.  We need to continually study the depth of information God provides in his word about the family.

•Making Marriage Work

•Six Easy Steps To a Great Marriage

•All God Says About Marriage in 30 Minutes

•The Most Important Skills in Marriage

•I’ll tell you part, the rest is in my book at $15.95

How Being a Strong Christian Will Help You Have A Happy Marriage

Here in one minute or less is another lesson that I almost presented today.  I believe that being a strong Christian in every sense of the word will make you a better marriage partner.  Think about these characteristics of Christians that are good for your marriage. 

Christians are concerned about others.  Concern engenders listening and communication. Christians practice love.  The Bible tells husbands to love their wives.  I will mention more about this later, but Christians have a positive sexual ethic.  God created man and woman for the satisfaction and fulfillment of one another in marriage.  The Christian appreciates the God given beauty of sex.

If this aspect of marriage is missing, we need to study or seek advice from a competent source.  Christians can forgive.  If you cannot forgive, your marriage is DOOMED!  Christians are instructed to bring up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.  Christians take their responsibility to provide for their own seriously.  This does not mean that we will never struggle, but that we will be willing workers for our families.  Christians are kind. 

If there is ever a place where kindness fails, it is in a troubled marriage.  Christians, like Christ, learn to live unselfishly and for others.  To sum it up, when we try to live the Biblical ethic, we will be adding those traits that should make for a happy marriage.

•Christians are concerned about others.

•Christians practice love.

•Christians want the best for others.

•Christians have a positive sexual ethic.

•Christians can forgive.

How Being a Strong Christian Will Help You Have A Happy Marriage

•Christians make good fathers and mothers.

•Christians provide for their own.

•Christians are kind.

•Christians are unselfish.

Now My Thoughts . . .

After that extended introduction, I will now turn to some of my thoughts on what makes a marriage great.

Make A Commitment

• “Till death do us part.”

First and foremost, to have a happy marriage, Make a commitment.  The ceremony says, “Till death do us part.”  What God has joined together, let not man put asunder. Story of a father-in-law who is somewhat of a clown and has celebrated his fiftieth wedding anniversary said, “I have been married over fifty years and I have never ONCE thought about divorce.  Murder a few, times and suicide, yes, but never divorce!” 

•  The Case for Marriage

In October 2000, two researchers appeared on Good Morning America to promote their book, The Case For Marriage”  Their research showed that married people make more money, and have greater sexual satisfaction than single people.  Married people have higher incomes than single people almost to the degree that college graduates exceed high school graduates in income.  Greater sexual satisfaction comes from security and opportunity that marriage affords.  I have not purchased this book since I just heard of it last week, but I will soon. 

•  86% of the people who said that they were unhappy were happy five years later.

The researchers said that in a group of individuals reported dissatisfaction with their marriage.  When they remained in the marriage for five years, 86% of them then reported satisfaction with their marriage.  In other words, they found ways to solve their problems.

• Commitment lets us work through problems.

Long term commitment to marriage allows us to face and work through the problems in marriage.  It is in this context of security that marriage really works.  I would add that we should not just be committed to staying in our marriage, but in making the marriage all that it can be.

Make it a Priority

My second suggestion is to Make marriage a Priority.  Put is first over your parents.

Put it first over your kids.  Put if first over your job.  Put it first over getting rich. My marriage and my ministry came first.  One of these days, my son Eric (has ½ of his MBA earned) might say to me, why didn’t you save more money.  My answer, I was out watching your little league games instead of taking a second job.  Your mom was home reading to you instead of making money.  Some things are a trade off, but I urge you to make marriage a priority.

I don’t care how long you have been married, continue to work at it.  I know a thing or two about writing and sports and finance, But I am also not ashamed to admit that when I see an article in a women’s magazine like, What Women wish Men knew about marriage, I am not too good to read it.   I have a collection of books on marriage.  It is a good investment. But is not our marriage not worth working at as hard as any thing else in this world?

You must continue to work at marriage through all its stages.  When the kids leave home, if you do not love each other, you will be lost.  Retirement takes other adjustments. There are some big adjustments when the kids come along. 

Work at loving each other.  Many people want to make the kids the top priority. That is good, but the greatest thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse.  Kids watch mom and dad kiss with different reaction depending on their stage in life.  But is tremendously reassuring to them to know that Mom and Dad love each other and that there will be a secure family for them.  I repeat, the greatest thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse.

•  Continue to work at marriage.

•  If you do not love each other, when the kids leave,--- you will be lost.

•  The greatest thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse.

Make Marriage Fun!

One of the things that makes a marriage great is retaining some of the fun.  When we are dating, it is all movies and dinner.  When we get married, it turns into bills and repairing the appliances.  Some of the middle age crisis is because all the fun has gone out of marriage,  It is all work and no play.  No wonder people get a girlfriend, because marriage is nothing but work. My wife as my best friend and also my girlfriend!  Take your wife out on a date.  Do something romantic and unexpected for hubby.  The longer we have been married, the more important this is in some ways.

Solomon advises us in Ecclesiastes 9:9 to “enjoy the wife our our youth.”  In my theological opinion, while some see an analogy between Christ and the church in the Song of Solomon,  I think those two people were very much in love and they thought each other were pretty hot!  And God put that in the Bible!  Television can talk about sex to our kids every night.  We had best be developing healthy biblical attitudes in the family.  I hope you delight in sharing a physical relationship with your spouse.

We need to learn to have fun without spending a fortune.  We tend to think that it must cost a lot to have some fun.  This is not true.  Learn to pop some popcorn, watch whatever you can get on TV and have some fun.  Better yet, TURN OFF the TV and talk to each other. When have you said, there is nothing good on to watch.  Turn off the TV, play Dominoes or better yet, just talk.  Learn to go for a walk and just be with each other. 

•  Some middle age crisis are because all the fun has gone out of marriage.  It is all work and no play!

•  Enjoy each other.

•  Ecclesiastes 9:9: “Enjoy life with the wife of your youth.”

•  Enjoy sex:  Song of Solomon.

•  Learn to have fun with little money.

Learn to Communicate, Talk, and Fight!

This heading reads correctly.  Communicate.  Talk. Fight.  Story of many couples: they said, we talked, we fought, we got over it!  One man who had Ph.D in speech communication and his wife a Master’s is counseling.  You would think that he could talk and she could listen! But it is just not that simple.  We both must talk and we both must listen.

I will post a list of rules for fair fighting. That is a whole other subject—But being able to fight fair is extremely important.

•  Learn to listen. 

•  Learn to talk.

•  Be friends first!

•  Learn to fight fair.

My wife & I never fight . . .

My wife and I never fight, but sometimes you can hear us reasoning things out for several blocks.  Learn to fight fair.

Deal with your Demons!

To be happy and successful in marriage, we must deal with our demons.  All of us have things that detract from our marriage.  Some things can destroy a marriage.  We must find out what is doing harm to our marriage and heal it.  Financial irresponsibility is terrible on a marriage.  I counseled a couple who was having difficulty.  She was attractive, but she should have been with all she spent on clothes and cosmetics.  Men are just as guilty of mismanagement of money.  If you would be happy in marriage, learn to live within your means.

Temper will destroy a marriage.  Pornography seems like a harmless pastime.  It is easy today to get on the internet and find pornography,  but it will destroy you.  It gives totally unrealistic expectation, it treats women as objects, it is a very poor substitute for real intimacy.  Substance abuse will destroy a marriage.  Deal with your demons. This is not an exhaustive, but illustrative list.  Face your demons before they destroy you. 

Find out what you are doing to harm your marriage and heal it. Financial irresponsibility  Temper Pornography  Substance Abuse  You name it!

Have God at the center                of your life

Perhaps the most important tip today about marriage is to have God at the center of your life. 

From God we learn the marriage skills of kindness, forgiveness, unconditional love and faithfulness.  

God is our model for love.

Best of all, when we place God at the center of our lives, he will help us through times of difficulty.

From God we learn the marriage skills of:

·         Kindness

·         Forgiveness

·         Unconditional

·         Love

·         Faithfulness

·         God will help us!

The love of Christ and the church is the model for us!

^{25 “}Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her  ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”

One of my favorite stories is by O’Henry, The gift of the Magi.  As Christmas approaches, the husband want to buy a hair comb for his wife’s beautiful long hair. The wife wants to buy a chair for her husband’s prized pocket watch.  Each goes out on Christmas eve and returns with a small box.  When the husband returns home, he finds that his wife has sold her hair to the wig maker to get enough money to buy a chain for his pocket watch.  But he has pawned his watch to get enough money to buy the hair comb.  What a touching story of self sacrifice to please the other.

The love of Christ and the church is the model for us!

 ^{28  “}In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—  ³⁰ for we are members of his body.”

Story about only one parachute.  I said, if you are on a plane, and the pilot comes through the back, says the plane is going down, jumps out and says that he is going for help,  Then you look down and there is only one parachute left, and you immediately strap the chute on your wife, you are ready to get married.

The story of the parachute is the story of the Christ and the church. There is only one chute. One of us had to die and and Christ volunteered!  Jesus said, that is how much I love you.  One of us has to die and I am willing to do it.  That is a model for love that draws us to Christ and sets the standard for marriage.

It is worth the effort to have a better marriage!

Let each of us make a commitment today to do all that we can to have a stronger marriage and a more Christ like commitment to our partner.  With God’s help—We can!